Bad Songs Say So Much

While at the gym on Friday, Lee and I got into a detailed discussion of songs we hate. I’m talking about complete dreck we can’t believe was ever recorded. While the list is long, I thought I’d share the top five songs we just can’t stand. Feel free to post comments about your most hated songs.

1. “Never Been To Me” by Charlene. From what I can gather, this song’s about a woman (we assume it’s the singer, Charlene) who accosts another woman on the street and proceeds to bore her with a sob story about how she’s done all kinds of great things in her life but she’s “never been to me.” Well, boo hoo and bfd. Apparently, no amount of traveling or whoring around can make Charlene happy so the best she can do is stop another woman from repeating the same mistakes. The worst line is, “I’ve seen some things that a woman ain’t supposed to see.” What in the world is she talking about? Did she enter some secret frat ceremony? By the time you reach the end of the song you just wish the woman would pull out a gun and shoot Charlene to put all of us out of our misery.

2. “You’re Having My Baby” by Paul Anka. Paul, Paul, Paul what did the American public do to you to deserve such a song? Apparently, Paul is thrilled that his woman loves him so much she’s willing to have his baby and all he can do is sing about it. Being a modern man, Paul thanks his woman for seeing the pregnancy through a not aborting it. Yep, Paul actually sings, “Didn’t have to keep it, wouldn’t put ya through it, you could have swept it from your life, but you wouldn’t do it. No, you wouldn’t do it.” At this point, if this song were being sung to me, I’d probably move to another state, change my name and raise the kid on my own. Ick.

3. “Seasons in the Sun” by Terry Jacks. It’s a toss-up between this song and “Never Been To Me” for the song that I find most annoying. Apparently Terry is mourning the loss of a friend, his youth, his father, life and a woman in this horrible song. The song is about telling everyone goodbye and also driving the listener crazy with “we had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun but the wine and this song like the seasons have all gone.” In the end you wish Terry would just join everyone else in the afterlife and shut the f**k up.

4. “MacArthur Park” by Donna Summer. Apparently Donna did not have access to the Internet or a cookbook because she’s all worried about her cake and how she’ll never have that recipe again. And who in the world leaves a cake out in the rain? Who leaves a cake outside in the first place? I’d be more worried about bugs than rain. And if a cake takes that long to bake why would you just set it outside only to be ruined in the rain? Geez, I hate this song.

5. “Rocky” by Dickey Lee. Anyone who has lived in Springfield, MO for any length of time knows that this horrible song was written by KGBX radio personality Woody P. Snow. You know this because he loves to talk about it. It’s his 15 minutes of fame that just won’t die. The song is about a man, Rocky, who seems to pride himself as the “rock” (get it?) of his girlfriend. “She said Rocky I’ve never been in love before. Don’t know if I can do it. But if you let me lean on you, take my hand I might get through it.” Apparently this girl can barely function without him because she needs his help falling in love, having a baby and dying. Then Rocky needs her help coping with her death. I don’t know what’s worse about this song, the actual lyrics or the fact Woody P. Snow thinks he’s a songwriting genius for writing it.

I could go on and on but these are the top five Lee and I discussed. What are some of your favorite songs to hate? “Brandy” by Looking Glass” “The Night Chicago Died” by Paper Lace? “Billy Don’t Be a Hero” also by Paper Lace? Or perhaps all Paper Lace songs in general?

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Bad Songs Say So Much

  1. Tim Smith

    “no amount of traveling or whoring around can make Charlene happy”

    Wow, I’m sensing some hostilities.

    Your list is incomplete: “Barbie Girl” or “I Love” by Tom T. Hall? The entire Abba catalog? Most of the Carpenters? Dan Hill? “Convoy” by C.W. McCall?

    Come on, there’s more…

  2. Tim Smith

    Oh, and anything — ANYTHING — by Meatloaf.

  3. I said I could go on and on with the list but chose my top five. I don’t agree with putting ABBA on the list or The Carpenters. Karen Carpenter had an amazing voice even if the songs were a bit silly. And “Convoy”? Come on, that’s pure kitsch! How about you make your own list and post the link here? Or come over (with some gin) and we’ll discuss this in person. I’ll call Rhiannon.

  4. Mom

    My least favorite is that stupid “little ditty ’bout Jack and Diane” – by John Cougar Mellencamp. Hate, hate, hate it! And did I mention I can’t stand it either?

  5. Yeah, “Jack and Diane” is pretty bad. Lee greeted me at the gym this morning with Donna Summer’s version of “Mac Arthur Park” playing full blast. Now I just need to find a way to get back at him!

  6. Blair

    “Black Velvet” Alannah Myles (“Black Velvet…if you please”, actually, no thanks)
    “Hotel California” Eagles
    “Imagine” John Lennon

    I am sure that I could come up with about 20 more, but these were the first to come to mind.

  7. Amen, brother (in-law)! I’ll also add anything by Bruce Springsteen and Jimmy Buffett.

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