I want a divorce. From my scale, that is. Every Thursday I weigh in at Weight Watchers, hold my breath and hope the numbers tell me something good. Because at Weight Watchers it’s all about the numbers. Hell, life is all about the numbers – how much you make, how much you weigh, how tall you are, your clothing size, how many kids you have, etc.
At the ripe young age of 42 I’ve come to accept a couple of things about myself. 1) My weight is something I’ll always battle, 2) I’ll never had a flat stomach. Ok, acceptance is the first step but it’s not an excuse to let myself go. When I first hired Pavel to be my trainer I wanted to lose weight. That was my main reason for going. Now, a year and a half later, I go because it makes me feel better and I like being stronger. Weight loss is an added bonus (and there hasn’t been much of that according to the scale) but, since muscle weighs more than fat, I’m trying not to get too caught up in the numbers game.
I re-joined Weight Watchers about six weeks ago because I knew I was eating too much, even if most of what I ate was good. I needed to re-educate myself about food and journal what I was eating. My first goal was 5 pounds with a 15 pound total being the end. Each week I weigh myself and hope for the best. The first week I lost .8 pounds. The second week I gained .2 pounds – grr. The third week, I lost 2.2 pounds, ok now we’re talking here. The fourth week I weighed at home and the scale said I’d lost another 3 pounds, but I didn’t believe it (even though it’s a WW scale) so I logged a loss of only 1 pound. Last Thursday I went into the WW meeting and weighed (for the first time in 2 weeks on their scale) and…I’d gained .6 pounds. WTF?! According to their records, I’d been working my tail off for five weeks only to post a total loss of 3 pounds. Frustrated, I talked to one of the counselors there and told her I dutifully logged all my foods, worked my butt off at the gym and questioned my home scale. She suggested I go home immediately and weigh there to see if my scale was calibrated. I left thinking their scales must be somehow wrong and mine would show a loss. Uh, no. Mine weighed me more than the one at WW! I called my sister to complain (why, I’ll never know she’s a size 0) and she told me to ignore the scale. She said it’s probably water weight and next week would be different. Despite my frustration I am determined to stay the course and keep going.
Yesterday, Steve and I did some closet cleaning and I tried on a bunch of clothes I was thinking about selling. I came across a pair of skinny ankle pants I’d bought last year and never worn. I have no idea what prompted me to buy them because they’ve never fit. I probably thought I’d lose 5-10 pounds and be able to fit in them. I tried them on at Christmas and couldn’t even get them zipped. I figured I’d try them on again and I’m sure you can guess what happened. They fit. Perfectly. I told Ralph and she told me to throw my f-ing scale out the window. I told Pavel about it this morning and he said our bodies normally fluctuate 5 pounds.
So, I’m filing for divorce from my scale. I’ll have visiting rights but I won’t let it rule my world. From now on, it’s all about how things fit, how I feel and taking care of myself the best I know how. At least that’s what I’m telling myself today!